Have you ever wondered if you actually could send yourself in the mail? As a former employee of a parcel company (and after listening to Alice n Chain's Man in a box) I'll discuss with you the proper steps for achieving this ambitious goal:
1) Grab your nearest box cutter - You'll need it
2) Find a box that is as long as you are, don't worry about width, it's irrelevant.
3) Next, find a reliable friend that will gently heave your bones into the box just like spinning Susan intended
4) Next, compromise leg room for breathing space. After all, what's better.. being tangled like a pretzel or suffocating? Thought so. Now, don't be too conspicuous, you don't want to blow your cover here.. 4 or 5 holes will do.
5) Have the friend that put you in the box, take you a local shipping company. Depending on your weight, this could get costly. Here's hoping you're not a fat ass - it's coming out of your wallet.
6) Now for the most important step. You cannot breathe until the clerk at the shipping center buys into the idea that your deceased Grandmother's lamp is actually the item that we're sending. Checkpoint clear.
7) Now its time for you to pray that you don't have to travel across the United States in this undersized box. Good news for you is that package handlers take excellent care of their parcels over 70 lbs. So feel free to chat about the weather with them, maybe revisit the night that never happened where you slept with their wives, you know how it works.
8) If you arrive in Tijuana, don't come after me. Consider it a vacation that you wouldn't have otherwise had. Remember, I'm just showing you the proper steps to deliver yourself in a box. I didn't guarantee you would be smart.
9) Once you arrive at your location, hopefully not Tijuana, grab a sacked lunch and maybe run for President - we need a new one anyway. Don't say i didn't save you money on a plane ticket.
Disclaimer: Don't actually try this at home, unless you are idiot, in which case, you probably deserve it.
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